Annoying Fanfics and How Often They Are Overused
by ParzivalHallows
Summary: Harry abuse, were-Harry, dark!Ginny, sensitive/parental!Snape, random wizards reading Harry Potter books with absolutely no purpose at all. Does this story sound familiar? Well duh. It's only what every fanfiction out there is about! Absolutely no point.


A parody fic of all Harry Potter fanfictions. Because they are all. the. same.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to do this?

…

It was a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and the Dursleys were still managing to get in their daily child abuse! YAY FOR CHILD ABUSE!

Anyway, Harry was out in the backyard weeding when Dudley came out, his fatness making it very difficult for him to run even though by book 5 he was becoming more muscular than fat. Dudley hates Harry, so he punched him and then ran inside crying like a little girl to his dad about magic and Harry, who automatically believed his son and went outside, grabbed Harry by his messy, raven-black hair which was forever falling into his emerald green orbs, and shoved him inside of the cupboard that no 15 year old and up would be able to fit in. Then he got his belt and started beating him senseless even though it would be very hard for him to do so if Harry was inside of the cupboard.

But who cares about intelligence! This is a fanfiction, and anything unbelievable can happen because it's a MAGICAL fanfiction!

So, Harry was in the middle of a beating when suddenly there was a bright blue light – don't ask why it's blue, it's always blue – and he was suddenly transported somewhere else!

Sitting in front of him were no other than…but it couldn't be…his parents! Sitting next to them were his godfather with a crazed look in his eyes, even though he wasn't in Azkaban yet, and next to him was his honorary uncle Remus! Peter was out getting groceries so he won't be in the story. Tears of joy were shed even though canon-Harry wouldn't believe it…but…who cares about canon-Harry, this is FANFICTION!Harry. The greatest Harry to ever walk the fandom because you can do whatever the hell you want with him! It's like playing dollhouse, only with abuse! YAY FOR ABUSE!

Suddenly many other people appeared falling on their heads and backs causing brain damage, internal bleeding, and many broken bones! But who cares about that, because, (and this is a joy!) ALBUS DUMBLEDORE WAS ALIVE AND NEXT TO HIM WAS HIS BESTEST FRIEND EVARR SEVERUS SNAPE! Automatically everybody hates Snape. Except Dumbledore, who, for some ungodly reason, is shoving 174,008,395,938 lemon drops in his mouth. He didn't want to be rude, so he gave away his other 983,489,263,594,268,275,872,229 lemon drops to everybody else. Oh, but in Britain they're called Sherbet Lemons. YAY FOR US STUPID AMERICANS WHO PRETEND TO BE SMART BY USING THE 'PHILOSOPHER'S STONE' INSTEAD OF 'SORCERER'S STONE'.

Most people enjoyed them, except Snape because Snape can't enjoy anything apparently.

Now, let's take a look at who decided to join us today – ah, so Snape, Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco, Voldemort, Lucius, Bellatrix, Neville, McGonagall, Hagrid, (and for some strange reason) Luna were all there too! Harry went and tearfully enveloped each and every one of his friends.

Except Malfoy who shoved him across the room until he cracked his head on the wall. Voldemort and Lucius were proud. All of the sudden 7 books appeared, and without even checking to see if there were any spells or curses on it, Dumbledore snatched it up and read the titles of the book to everyone.

Draco automatically groaned, because he's be stuck listening to his arch-enemy for however long he'd be here…oh wait, apparently time stopped. Even more joyful! YAY FOR RANDOMLY STOPPING TIME!

So (naturally) they decide to read them. Everybody kept throwing pitiful looks at Harry who was really getting pissed, until he broke down crying after Remus, Sirius, James and Lily all went to comfort him about the obvious abuse that was going on at the Dursleys even though Dumbledore kept saying: "Now, now. Abuse is a good thing! It means Harry is safe!"

And all of the sudden Snape, Voldemort and Draco felt sorry for him and then 20,479,389 months later they finally reach the last book. YAY FOR UPDATING QUICKLY!

Instead of being utterly humiliated by everybody finding out about his love for Lily, Snape just settles for being pissed and impassive, until he too finally starts crying.

IT'S COMPLETELY CANON FOR HIM, SHUT UP!

Then the Marauders (plus Lily) and minus Peter decide to change the future, which makes no sense whatsoever. Really, it's just an excuse to read the books and make all of the SUPER!non-canon people from the past determined for nothing.

Then they are all magically transported back to whatever they were doing before. Harry was back with the Dursleys again, but all of the sudden Sirius (who apparently came back to life) barged in with Remus and saved Harry!

Harry, suffering from severe physical (not psychological, like in canon…okay maybe there's slight physical abuse too AHEM-BOOK-2-COUGH-HACK-BOOK-5-VOMIT-COUGH-CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) abuse, flinches whenever somebody comes near him or wants a friendly hug. Eventually he gets over it and they become a happy family!

No sooner had it happened, Death Eaters suddenly appeared and snatched Harry away in the dead of night! Because, you know, he's not a wizard who does extreme accidentally magic EVERY FREAKING BOOK! No, he's a defenseless young wizard who knows absolutely nothing about magic (…okay, that part is sort of true).

Instead of killing him straight away, they decide to kidnap him and leave a note in the morning for his lovers (ahem, best friends) Remus and Sirius to find saying EXACTLY WHERE HE IS and adding an extra picture of Harry getting his head slammed against a wall three times before getting each bone in his body snapped with a sledge hammer and then getting Crucio'd without any side-effects! YAY FOR ABUSE! …AND TORTURE AND WHOMPAGE!

…And YAY FOR SCARING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF POOR FANFICTION!HARRY AND HIS BESTEST FRIENDS EVARR!

Of course, Remus (who for some reason only gets sick around full moon and doesn't change into a werewolf…unless the fanfiction makes Remus bite Harry) and Sirius call Dumbledore (who also happens to be alive) and he calls an Order of the Phoenix meeting even though they usually don't meet for purposes such as this.

They send a rescue mission out to find Harry (which includes Hermione, Ron, and the rest of the Weasley's because they're his BESTEST FRIENDS EVARR as well, even though they're underage.)

Meanwhile, Harry is being tortured mercilessly by Voldemort and Bellatrix and being treated like shit by the rest of the Death Eaters (they only stick around for a chapter or two though). Snape decides to pop in and secretly give him a potion that will magically make all of his wounds disappear, and Harry decides he loves Snape as a father who apparently ALWAYS thought of Harry as his son! YAY FOR RIDIKKULUS STORIES!

I'm sorry…they're very Sirius stories usually…it's just…*sniffle* they're always so sad! Because somebody ALWAYS dies in them! Jesus, our fandom has become its very own Disney Movie! AHH next they're going to be re-using the same scenes over and over and then use sexual stuff in the story! Wait...people already do that? Oh…

Back on point, Snape decides to save Harry. He manages to lift Harry up before apparating, but the extra weight was no difficulty to Snape, because he's Super Snape, and can lift anything! There was much emo rejoicing and then Harry comes out that he's gay. Ron is absolutely disgusted and hates Harry's guts all of the sudden, so he slits his throat at night.

Oh wait, Harry can't die yet…

So, after much thought and completely screwed up ways of imagining to kill his BESTEST FRIEND EVARR, he decides he was a huge dick (which he was) and goes to Harry admitting how stupid he'd been.

Harry doesn't have the hotts for him, so it's okay that they're friends. Meanwhile everybody at school throws them dirty looks and all of the sudden Harry decides he's bi-sexual because a really hot girl walked by.

No, and I mean REALLY. HOT. GIRL.

She has so much makeup on her face she could work as a geisha, but it's okay because it totally matches the black, choppy hair with rainbow colored streaks and vampire pale skin. She's gorgeous and every boy stops in the hall to stare at her like morons. Come on, even Fleur didn't have that effect and she's half Veela! But maybe it's because the girl dresses in really sexy clothes even though you're only allowed to wear a uniform in Hogwarts. Not black, knee-high leather boots and fishnets which go up into her 'I-can-see-your-ass' short skirt and belly shirt. She also has a tattoo that says, "I HATE LIFE" with a smiley face underneath.

Just looking into her emerald green orbs, so much like his own, Harry realizes that it's his sister! There was much rejoicing and happiness.

Harry decidedly isn't gay or bi anymore. Now he's goth.

Oh, and his real name isn't Harry, it's Vampeer. Because he's a vampire who's in love with Draco Malfoy and they have lots of kids together even though it's not possible…but…hey, it's a fanfiction, so what the hell!

All of the sudden Hermione decides she wants a piece of Remus, and her and Sirius get in a Siriusly big fight.

Hair was pulled, teeth were knocked out, and Hermione looked spectacular with her beautiful face and slicked back slightly curly hair. "This isn't Hermione!" you might say, but YOU'D BE WRONG. It's FANFICTION!HERMIONE. She's exactly like FANFICTION!HARRY except without abuse. Unless it involves her being in bed with someone. Meanwhile, Sirius lay bleeding on the floor with ice cream cake rammed into his eye sockets and SPEW badges stapled painfully into every pore in his body.

Remus doesn't care that his lover is in this state though, because he's currently in the other room boning Harry.

Hermione runs out crying, Remus running after her half-naked, and Harry looking humiliated. His hair was messy (as per usual) but this time it's because he had awesome sex with a werewolf.

Wait…oh no…is that a bite mark?

OH NOES HARRY IS NOW GOING TO BE A WEREWOLF EVERY FULL MOON! YAY FOR WERE!HARRYS. Remus is so guilty it's not even funny, but Harry doesn't care because it's REMUS FUCKING LUPIN who bit him. If it was anybody else, he would have ripped their kidneys and intestines out and fed them to Hedwig for dessert.

Suddenly Harry is madly in love with Gabrielle, Fluer's little sister, which is kind of gross since she's barely Hogwarts age, but who cares about that? YAY FOR CHILD PROSTITUTION!

Also, Ginny has turned to the dark side, because Harry's been framed and put in Azkaban. (Siriusly, who makes these?) BUT WAIT, there's a twist! (Naturally). Draco Malfoy has fallen in love with both Hermione Granger AND Ginny Weasley!

Ron has got his grr-face on, but it's nothing compared to the agony that both Hermione and Ginny are going through. Since Draco loves them so much, he feels the need to abuse and strangle them whenever necessary, because that's the way to make a girl stay in love with you! YAY FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE!

Now, there's an obvious threesome about to happen. And no, it's not Ginny/Hermione/and Draco. Duh, how stupid are you guys? It's…Harry/Lupin/and Sirius!

…because there's only about 5 billion of them out there…which means…naturally…WE NEED ANOTHER ONE! OH GOD THE AGONY AND PAIN WE'LL GO THROUGH IF WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CHEESY THREE-SOMES THAT GO INTO WAAAAYYY TO MUCH DESCRIPTION AND SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A MINOR! **HOORAY FOR UNDERAGE SEX! **

Wow, aren't us Fanfiction writers great role-models? We thought so. Now READ DAMN YOU!

Here's the big one…the one you've all been waiting for…

HARRY ABUSE! Wait that's already been taken? Oh…

Guess we'll have to STICK WITH ALL SEVEN BOOKS EXCEPT HAVE THEM FROM A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW WHICH IS REALLY ANNOYING!

Aren't we awesome? Oh yeah, we're awesome.

…

Okay, so this was pointless but it made me laugh, I don't know if it made you laugh to. It's just these about sum up every single fanfiction about Harry Potter. (There's way more, but I can't fit it in here without junking it up more than it already is)

So, hope you enjoyed! Leave me a review and tell me whatcha thought!


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